my home is in empty spaces.

Today a friend asked me, "Can't you be surprised anymore?"

*thinking bemused thoughts*

here I am in the lab on this rainy Monday afternoon, despite all vows and threats not to be
but not staying here long today

some trivia off a friend's blog:

100 QUESTIONS

1. Full name: L SM
2. Nicknames: come ask me and you may find out but no promises =)
3. Eyes: they were once described by someone i knew as "a funny shade of brown"
4. Height: 160 cm
5. Hair: black. with some white strands here and there.
6. Siblings: 3. girls, all of us.
7. Do u like to sing in the shower?: yes
8. Do u like to sing in the toilet?: no
9. Birthday: 8 Sept (which yr u may ask? old enough)
10.Sign: Virgo
11. Address: somewhere in this little city 640 km2 large
12. Sex/Sexuality: f/any particular reason why you would need to know?
13.Righty or lefty: depends on what I'm doing. like most ppl I play piano with *both* hands =p
14. What do you want in a relationship most?: we'll see
15. Have you ever cheated on someone: i hope not.
16. Martial status: single
17. Do you have a car?: not exactly, it belongs to my dad, and i'm simply one of the family drivers....
18. What kinda car do you have/want?: Ah.... something with good brakes and temperature control is sufficient, i love driving more than i care about the car itself actually.
19. Movie: too many
20. Song: many many. depends on mood.
22. TV Show: i don't watch tv serials or sitcoms anymore, no time or interest.
23. Actor: Hugo Weaving at present
24. Actress: none
26. Number: 23
27. Cartoon: prince of egypt by Dreamworks SKG
28. Disney: super-old movie.... beauty and the beast
29. Colour: deep blue sky with grayish-metallic silver overlayer. -That- colour. Saw it once during a sunset.
30. Do you plan on having children: long time more...
31. Do you want to get married: we'll see
32. How old do u wanna be when you have your first child: not too old. That's -if- I get married in the first place.
33. How old do u wanna be when your married: who cares?
34. Would you have kids before marriage: difficult to maintain.
35. Do you have a b/f or g/f: Ah.... for the wrong people reading this, yeah. For the right people reading this, no.
37. Do you have a crush: no
38. Music/TV: music
39. Guys/Girls: guys. of course.
40. Green/Blue: green
41. Pink/Purple: purple
42. Summer/Winter: summer
43. Night/Day: night
46. Weird saying I have: see this blog
47. What skool do u go to?: in college at present
48. have you ever taken drugs?: panadol!
49. What's a major turn on for you?: it depends, really.
50. How far would you go on a first date: it also depends on the nature of the first date.
51. The PERSON you know who is:
Funniest:
Happiest: Edmund
Strangest: too many
Most Caring: i think everyone who bothers to get to know me cares, and it's unfair to compare them by what they give. By that, I mean..... here's a strange saying for you (not mine): I've learned- that just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to doesn't mean they don't love you with all they have.
TALLest: this changes on a fairly frequent basis
Smartest: in what way?
52. Best All Around Person: ?
53. What do you think of soul mates?: requires effort to keep it going even with a "soulmate" relationship, yeah?
54. is it right to flirt if you have a bf/gf?: if it's alright with the bf/gf yeah.
55. what was the last thing you cried over or got teary about?: sigh let's not bring that up
56. what's something about guys/girls you don't get?: about both: how being quiet is so easily misinterpreted by people, from their personal lenses.
57. are you happy?: quite
60. Love or lust: both :-p
61. Silver or gold: can't decide, like both.
62. Diamond or pearl: diamond
63. Sunset or sunrise: sunset
64. Have you ever gone skinny-dipping (to swim in the nude): no
65. Do you sleep with stuffed animals: no
66. Do you have any piercings?: no
67. What colour underpants are you wearing?: given that I know more or less -who- reads this blog..... not saying.
68. What song are you listening to right now?: none. lab noises.
69. What are the last four digits of your phone number: 0746.
70. Where would you want to go on your honeymoon?: france
71. Who do you want to spend the rest of your life with?: can't say, it takes a lot of work both ways.
72. What's your favourite sport?: dancing
74. What makes you happy?: fulfilling personal goals
75. What's the next cd/s you're gonna get/buy?: bought 4 CDs last week, CD craving prob satisfied for the next few months
76. Do u wear contacts or glasses?: glasses. about 2 or 4 years since I last changed specs.... eyesight needs checking.
77. What's the best advice given to you?: to do what you dream of, and do/plan it now.
78. Have you ever won any special awards?: some were more special than others because they were unexpected gifts, not because they were really that astounding in the eyes of the majority.
79. What are your future goals?: come ask me and you may find out...
80. Worst sickness u ever had?: missing someone very very badly.
81. Do you like Funny or scary movies better?: funny
82. On the phone or in person?: in person
83. Hugs or Kisses?: depends on who's giving.
84. What song seems to reflect you the most: no one song.
85. If you die tmr who wud u leave everything u own to?: family
86. Do u have any enemies?: i'm sure i do but they're smart enough to not announce who they are so let's assume for the moment that I don't.?
87. What is your greatest fear?: that I would grow old and die without having fulfilled my dreams to bring value into people's lives
88. Would you rather be rich or famous? : rich
89. What time is it in Albania now?: no idea
90. Have you ever been in love?: yes.
91. Have you met santa?: actually, no, never.
92. If E.T. knocked on your door holding up a peace sign asking to use your phone?: sure. why not.
94. Do u have any pets?: no
97. Are you an alcoholic?: no
98. Who sent this to you?: got this off a friend's blog
99.What do you think of these persons: happy when with them, that's all that matters sometimes.
100. Do u want your friends to write back?: *shrug* whatever.

rather than a case of the warm fuzzies in this joyous festive period,
have been felled by their cousins the cold fuzzies.

= I have a cold, and it's making me fuzzy-headed.

Not going to lab today or tomorrow, too confused to do anything productive that requires memory work. Darn!

happy new year

Hellos,

I wonder what to say today. Recently confessed my life's dream to a Bio friend, and how Bio may not be the thing for me and why.

Amazingly she has the same worries, concerning principles and such....

So much for sacrificing all to earn money

had happy christmas

someone is still in a blue funk....

extraordinarily blue
splatteringly opaque Crayola blue
dominating the whole canvas of his life
pale desecrated canvas that swooshes by
the Nike swoosh, 'Just Do It' :p free association.
it (time flow of an empty life) could happen to you, and I will not allow it. I can protect you, but

are you ready to hear me, or do you just wish to grieve for now? I have the strength for the first but not the heart for pulling you through the second, the memory of my own experience at that time is still too scattered and strobe-like to manage such a recall at close range. my apologies.

'tis overwhelming at times, but I do what I can, and what I can't, I will have to let it go and not worry.....

meow to you too....

from Bjorn today:

why do you still care? you are bringing misery only to yourself. Choose to take the step forward and move on; that is the area in which you can make your choice!

Wound healing of the genuine kind, vs the superficial layer *grin*

at last
a word

phrase, rather

of renunciation

I acknowledge, and take this to be my truth as well. No more space now for regrets, or pity, or second chances, third chances.

His choice.

I acknowledge, and revoke.
Without remorse.

you say you don't want to be
a shattered dream
of mine

but what can you give in return to fill the void?

what -will- you give?

Nothing, you say.



nothing at all.

There is no point.


You fear blood and run from pain.
Your dreams are in rational academic pursuits,
dovetailing beautifully with our academic society
Blessed and unknowing of that happy joy, you are.
Impatient with others who do not dream this way, you are too.
Eeesh!


I give you full flak and no mercy.

the journey of a thousand cliches
...

I read my emails of three months ago
and wonder how at that time I had never
imagined
being flat broke
zilch-lined

miss the mid-autumn lanterns

=)

aha, a small success! miracle, rather.... my yeast transformation colonies appeared after *five* days where they normally appear after two or three.....

much cheered by this tiny thing

sm

Nightmares for four nights running + experimental failures = lack of rest *deep breath*. I so dearly long for a night/morning where I do not dream... my days are spent avoiding my nightmares?

*takes another very deep breath*.

what now?

More thoughts last night, before I slept, this time provoked by my sister:

Scholarship and debt. They are inextricably linked.

Scholarships are advertised this way:

Scholarship-choice, Scholarship-choice, Scholarship-choice.
Scholarship-prestige, Scholarship-prestige, Scholarship-prestige.
Scholarship-overseas opportunity, overseas opportunity, overseas opportunity.

But never, Scholarship-debt.

at last this concept ties together what I had heard from a Med friend:
we are in debt, and begin paying it back when we are about 20, and only finish paying it back when we are 50

A scholarship is not a *choice*, not a *filial* option, not a *moral* necessity (for the government, your family, or whatever). It is simply a *practical* fact of repaying your debt to your financial backers, namely your family.



Some worry about the bond as placing yourself in further debt. No. A bond is a privilege of having a stable job and stable income in uncertain times. Which is what Singapore is facing now.... (this is a very rough approximation/general comment). Unless you have already come up with better ways to support yourself (which is fantastic, happy for you! =p )


Damn, if I had been clouted over the head with this scholarship-debt idea earlier, I would have studied harder for my O and A Levels.

Too Late! Too Late!

Heh, there's still the postgrad studies to think about and work for.

Astonishing how your family's notions (which may be completely oddball) colour your thinking unknowingly. They framed the whole scholarship thing as a choice, and presented themselves as an endless bank account (no I am not kidding, my dad is probably the only one in the world who asks me if I have enough spending money and freely offers me more. No strings, no explanations!). In fact, I must say, they firmly insisted they had enough to put me through university and equally firmly disapproved of the bond. Wrong counterbalance, yeah.

The sky then fell on me after my A level results came out lah: "Why didn't you try harder for a scholarship?"

-small duh-

Nevermind. Remember: A scholarship is a way of getting yourself out of debt, early. You think so? =p

Had another intriguing bad dream last night (really should kick the habit yeah,
but what else is there to do when your mind is awake and your body's not, yet?)

I was part of a delegation (either visiting or assimilating into) a certain JC
which turned out to hold a lot of students with strange behaviours and pointy teeth
which I then dismissed as individual quirks (hey I've seen weirder. School uniforms themselves are a truly weird idea in the 1st place) and held my peace

until one of them came up to my acquaintance and delegation mate, grabbed her and bit her on the neck
needless to say, the (formal visit or assimilation) was over
she was bleeding and unconscious, and we carried her on a stretcher out of the place, involving traversing dark tunnels.

Although it was only one who was a true vampire, somehow the entire school had been labelled irrevocably as swarming with vampirish threats in my mind, and our movement was negative haemotaxis (i.e. flight), as opposed to positive medicotaxis (i.e. medical treatment for my delegation mate).

[Freedom of speech involves the opportunity to invent words where they didn't formerly exist, yeah? - SM]

So we were lost in the dark tunnels
until I saw a backpack worn by someone
the bag looked familiar, grey with black netting.
I looked up at the face
it was a uniform-wearing student
more precisely, -him-
And he was looking back without any trace of vampirism
the face I used to know
the one I used to know so well

Simply by trusting that face again on my gut instinct,
our group followed his path
companionably (I thought)
and he walked to a junction where there was light on one side and darkness on the other
I thought he would stay with me and our group in the light

but he turned and walked smoothly into the darkness
on his way elsewhere
he was never there with us at all, except perhaps the single moment where we looked into each other's faces
yi sha na jian, as it would be said in another language

At this time my friend was in dire straits
and we were trying to resuscitate her spirit
by providing the things she loved most
especially light

but I realised the light felt empty
because somehow during that brief walk
he and I had swopped something
(dare I call it a heart?)
and I carried a small piece of darkness within me
that flinched at the unremitting silver glittery strong light that was currently surrounding my friend
such garish modernity

And I wondered if he realised that some of the pure light within him was mine
echoed with mine
or if I had only imagined it all and I had never truly touched him in the first place
the indecision and unknowing is what kills, not the sharing or lack thereof.

At this point I had woken up sufficiently to get moving back into the mind-blasting rhythms of daily life, and so I went. Still waiting for PCR in lab.

I happen to be one of those people who treasure friends because they are intrinsically lovely and because we share happy memories, pieces of each other's time, so when such a time is denied, it becomes a mortal blow to one's past.

I wonder what this dream means...

To Jax:
*laugh* btw is "past" [sic] on your blog

just came across an old acquaintance's (call him X) website and spent the better part of 2 hours reading it while waiting for PCR in lab

X was my best friend's 1st bf, (since then acknowledged by both to be a mutually unproductive endeavour)
that was really a vv long time ago, years!
I know not much about him, only spent 2 very short conversations w him way back then

it was a good look at his time now in Cambridge, and he writes well.

it was also good to know that my closer acquaintances in Cambridge are well and happy too, from his site.

how I found it was through a Net search for -his- name. -Him-, yeah. *temporary grimace* It occurred to me when I did a search for my own email ID and came up with all the supposedly private yahoogroups emails I had written over the past few years. Beware your privacy on the Net (oh well there was nothing v scandalous in what I had said there. a pity *grin*.), but I digress. I was actually wondering whose site it was, esp when all those familiar names kept popping up in X's "comments" sections. =p

Meow.....I will meow at you till you get better.
hehehehe

writings, writings....
more writings..

bah.

stress buffer vvvv low at the moment but at least still there. bah! again.

I love it when ppl smile at me....
how's life?

thunderpools of spiral whorls,
sm

just had a very intriguing nightmare on the streaming exercise

which consisted essentially of:
the high end gets complacent and arrogant
the middle part is lost
the lower end is in despair and depression

why pigeonhole people by their quantifiable talents?

scarred. yes Jax, indeed I am. What are you going to do then? *clear as open doorways look*

I wanted to believe,
And fell.

Falling is a part of learning
And learning is essential to life

no?

thank you for the hugs (yes I am referring to all the verbal ones that many people have given me generously over the past few days. Has it only been a few days? seems like it's been a while already.)

Since I may have unwittingly hooked you (the reader) into sublime depression without any forewarning whatsoever with my recent entries... I should share this with you.

Understanding without pain:

an interesting perspective from a very old friend:
wrt friends, accept,
Accept and accept
until you cannot accept any more
then just forget it
don't take it too much to heart
and do what you have to to make things right for yourself again


another interesting perspective from another old friend from a different place and time:
if you have ensured that all communication lines are open, genuinely open
that's really the best that you can do
for your part


I would like to say, -again-, that it's great to have your advice and warmth
in whatever amount of either

for their intrinsic value
as well as for the fact that they are gifts

oh why does it hurt
like walking over broken glass
that I wonder about the smiles that I see
about the stories my friends share with me.

when exchanging courtesies, and sharing parts of our lives with each other, is it politeness, or love? or both?

Always, it has to be, has to be:
love.
If I don't think this way, I will go mad, in utter loneliness.

Not to mention that it is simply unfair to smear all people I know simply for the actions of one.

But yet there was one
who seemed to be a friend
whom I gave care and concern to when he needed it

And who gave me nothing when I asked for a little
so very little
"how was your day?" - silence.

and so I doubt
not knowing whether to live or to die

die, then.
and be reborn in hope each day
hope that all the other millions of people whom I know
are true and sincere
moral
kind
just

and hope that this hope is fulfilled.

not even for one whom I truly loved, would I give up everything.
to you my friends who are reading this, when I falter and forget, please remind me
that love exists
that true friendship exists
that even things that lie between superficial greetings and true friendships, are more likely to be on their way to true friendships than to stay in their painful neutrality.

I will thank you forevermore.

Bring Me To Life, by Evanescence

How can you see into my eyes
Like open doors
Leading you down into my core
Where I've become so numb without a soul
My spirit sleeping somewhere cold
Until you find it and lead it back home

Wake Me Up Inside
wake me up inside
call my name and save me from the dark
bid my blood to run before I come undone
Save me from the Nothing I've become

Now that I know what I'm without
you can't just leave me
Breathe into me and make me real
Bring me to life

Wake me up inside
Wake me up inside
Call my name and save me from the dark
Bid my blood to run before I come undone
Save me from the nothing I've become
Bring me to life

(cut)
---

The rest of the song lyrics are very interesting, but not applicable to me now (if I put them in full I would really be scaring all my friends over nothing). Anyway if you wish to go look at the full lyrics, use Google.

someone actually wrote a song! about despair.

hmmm.

sm