my home is in empty spaces.

The same thing happened today as yesterday.

I met a lot of people I was not expecting to meet.  This time, expected meet count = zero, apart from my usual two friends and their group.  Actual count = feels like four hundred.  Slightly bulldozed.

Let me make this more clear.  Last night on the spur of the moment, I accepted an invitation to the a cappella fest at ACS(Barker) for tonight.

So along the way, the people I did not expect to meet were Lloyd the handsome French-accented deplores-lab-rat-killing guy, Zhen, Zhen's boyfriend, Zhen's brother, my former seminar group member KL, KL's girlfriend, Colin (!), Colin's girlfriend whom I went toilet-hunting with later (no other experience produces quite the same bonding effect in an opp-sex school), a student councillor from my year who apparently is also doing LS but whom I've never gotten to know, my previous sec sch head prefect B, Xinhong (!!), and Xinhong's girlfriend (!!).

Total count is twelve.  Again.  Close to yesterday's.  Haul of the night is Xinhong's phone number and a couple of astonished looks from some in my two friends' group, whom although were more into the a cappella scene than I am, actually ended up meeting fewer people than I did.

Is it just me, or does this massive "oh I think I spot an old friend behind that tree too" daily overload of coincidence happen to other people?  =)

I used to see maybe two people I would unexpectedly meet, no matter where I went, as long as it was some public thingy-or-other e.g. concert, play, forum, shopping, Biopolis/Science Park lectures (!).  *musings* The only place I would never meet anybody at all was at the Wed weekly concerts at UCC.  And those were free!  =p

=) And while I'm on a roll, I might as well add in that time I met Kay in Suntec when walking around with four guys after lunch, when that day's lunch meeting was unplanned.  That was three weeks ago.

Song of the night, yup.  It was this Memorable cover version done by In-A-Chord, the lovely old guys who can still sing and dance.  Never heard anybody do a love song as well as an old happy guy.  Unfortunately in my a cappella tastes I have remarkable strong bias towards all-male groups who make a lot of grumbly bass noises and dance very well/look very good =) .  eg akatones.  This makes me an unabashed junkie for non- a cappella things like Linkin Park.  Some say that makes me a heretic.  But enough of that, here is the song.

If You're Not The One - Daniel Bedingfield

If you're not the one then why does my soul feel glad today?
If you're not the one then why does my hand fit yours this way?
If you are not mine then why does your heart return my call
If you are not mine would I have the strength to stand at all

I never know what the future brings
But I know you are here with me now
We'll make it through
And I hope you are the one I share my life with....

I don't want to run away but I can't take it, I don't understand
If I'm not made for you then why does my heart tell me that I am?
Is there any way that I can stay in your arms?

If I don't need you then why am I crying on my bed?
If I don't need you then why does your name resound in my head?
If you're not for me then why does this distance maim my life?
If you're not for me then why do I dream of you as my wife?

I don't know why you're so far away
But I know that this much is true
We'll make it through
And I hope you are the one I share my life with
And I wish that you could be the one I die with
And I pray in you're the one I build my home with
I hope I love you all my life

I don't want to run away but I can't take it, I don't understand
If I'm not made for you then why does my heart tell me that I am
Is there any way that I can stay in your arms?

'Cause I miss you, body and soul so strong that it takes my breath away
And I breathe you into my heart and pray for the strength to stand today
'Cause I love you, whether it's wrong or right
And though I can't be with you tonight
And know my heart is by your side

I don't want to run away but I can't take it, I don't understand
If I'm not made for you then why does my heart tell me that I am
Is there any way that I can stay in your arms......

Every time I go to school these days, I end up drinking four cups of sugared water and meeting about ten people even if I'd only intended to meet -one- person.  Chance meetings and all that, leading to my present sugar high.

In the spirit of wooziness, let me list the people I'd met today.

Person I asked to see today for lunch when I accidentally met her in the bus on Monday:  Jiayi.
Person who asked yesterday if I would be in school today:  Wilson.
People I talked to yesterday and we knew we would all be in school today but not sure if times might overlap:  Davina and Edmund.
People I met and chatted with along the way:  A lot.  In chronological order, Lambert, Lynn, Charles, Jingshan, Mingyao.  Malcolm.  Gail, Adrian, Cheryl.  And finally, Li Ling, whom I met on the bus home.

Plus a handful of lost freshmen of various nationalities.

Plus the nice CompCentre people woefully returning my laptop to me with a "data corrupted, reformat!" order, and the blur Fujitsu guy who reformatted my laptop and called me very hesitantly on the phone to collect it half an hour after I'd dropped it off, when I had to -pry- out of him the fact that I could pick it up earliest on Monday.

The variety of conversations I've had today is amazing.  =)  Duration, pace, depth, subject.  All forms.

And that doesn't include the ones I was recalling when asked what I'd done over the course of this week.  Nor the one when Wilson tried to buy Panadol from the biz-ad drinks auntie.  =p

Coffee with J tonight at centsquare after she sent YS off at the airport.  We made assorted grumbly crackly noises at each other =p with the usual hand gesturing, after which we promised to meet again next week and she went home and I came here to blog it.  ;) .  It was good to see her again after nearly 1.5 months. 

I have brought beauty to the life of one person today.  It keeps me going for more
- not today, not necessarily.  But perhaps today, perhaps =) , and other days too.  And all the days of my life.

One-Winged Angels.

Kurt Nilsen.  Some time ago on this blog I wrote an unflattering review of his debut album I.  Am happy to say that he sounds much improved when I upped the bass volume on my subwoofer - his charming Norwegian accent comes out more strongly now.

Oooh, the clipped consonants, that dorky sense of rhythm coupled with enchantingly mangled (some say warbled) vowels....  THE MOULDY LEATHER JACKET!  Mmmmmm.

Someone stop me now.

*stopped*

*ups bass on speakers*

Heaven.  =)

And the semester's bidding has started.

1st round ends tomorrow at 1500h.  One week of ;) pure terror swearing being calculative manipulating and bargaining.  eg of pakat bargaining:  'ei we all don't panic, bid low at first, okay?'  =)  But it works good cos nobody wants to start off losing a huge bundle on any single module.

For those not in the sharkbait hell where I now reside, we bid for our modules.  The more we want the module, the higher we bid as assurance we will get it.  If you are Singaporean, this bidding situation can be summed up neatly in one word that will definitely make sense to you:  COE.  If you're not, then all right, the catch to this beautiful demand-supply-free market situation is that we have a finite number of points to allocate amongst the modules we want.  And each module has finite vacancies as well.  There you are, we bid.

Well, like any other economics model, this is only a model.  Some modifications of this model would be: 

• not every module has the small number of actual vacancies listed on the bidding site - student intake can be increased under special circumstances eg desperate students of the graduating class. 
• Admin has even shown signs of adaptability by suddenly announcing that they will be running a module in two semesters (thereby stressing the mod profs) when it's proven to be extremely popular with students.  Popular to the point of being essential for graduation to 90% of the students due to predicted job market moves. 

So it's not too bad.

But if all else fails, assert our extremely annoying position as the graduating class and beg nicely for a slot.  These level 4 modules don't have lab components after all; if things get really tied up in knots I'd bet they'd rather take a large 180-strong class in one sem in an LT, than

1. run the mod in two semesters making it still 90-strong each time, accompanied with caterwauling from our grad class for screwing up our extremely tight graduation timetable (this is due to other issues not poor student planning), and caterwauling from the profs who are expected to produce good research first and foremost which needs time too,
2. run the mod in its usual size of 50 students each in two semesters (or one :-o ) , reasons cited as "better class teaching quality" and "enhanced access time to the profs".  Somehow, considering everything else both we and they have to do, I don't think those two reasons hold water anymore.

The admin is nice when it comes to the crunch.

Some ramblings.

I don't want to play this game.
Yet if I don't play it I think I might become obsolete,
and die
young
leaving nothing.

The game must be drilled in in infancy
polished through schoolyard bullying
teachers' harassment
and inexorable parental wishfulness

Ruthless.

Ruthlessness, is now of such high practical value, that it has become something morally valued, to be aspired to, to be predominantly treasured and loved and cherished in our human souls.  What contradiction.

I am slowly being overwhelmed by sharks that grow in number each day
feeding off our culture of competition, productivity, grades
high-sounding words
and thinking (they being ripe with youth's brashness) that they must be the only right.
and why?  why because they say so and they are in the majority.

They grow each day, but in what, I do not know.  I cannot understand. 
Yet perhaps I must.

Thank you Jax for reminding me that there are still lovable pricks in this world who cannot comprehend how pure kindness is the fuel of my life.

At least you are still lovable.  =p

An sms conversation with GW, shortly after:

Me:  What would you find more important for you to have, kindness or competitive advantage?
GW:  Competitive advantage.  Kindness is easier to cultivate while c adv is hard to come by in this dog-eat-dog world.

Me:  okay.  So:  is kindness a strong competitive advantage in itself?
GW:  I guess.... you never know what might be a c adv.  Why the strange qns?

Me:  I was just curious abt how, to some ppl, things they cannot see hear touch nor understand must therefore be impossible to exist in any form whatsoever.  eg pure kindness.  artistic impulse to create in a precise manner.  malice.  responsibility.  etc.

GW: Uh-huh.  I don't get it, what has all this got to do with competitive advantage?

Me:  Since these things are not acknowledged to even be possible to exist, if someone possesses all those qualities in abundance and uses them, he is still not having any competitive advantage whatsoever and is therefore a useless loser of a human being.

Me:  No?

GW:  But how does one measure pure anything, and what is the standard by which one would deem something pure?

Me:  pure - only the person being kind/creative/responsible would know for certain.  and that self-intention would be the standard, i think.  why ask abt purity?

 

A goodwill relationship.  Fascinating.  That's nice to know.
 
cryptic note.

I was dreaming of steel swords and fluffy kittens that would not go away
 
Some things need to be pondered out loud with a friend.

Suddenly I feel like hugging the people who love me. 
 
=)  For their time and patience and care.  ;)  Their forbearance.  =)  Their insistence that they actually like me very much and are not merely tolerating this human presence.  =)  Their intriguing quirks.  =)  Their ability to brain me when needed.  =)  Their complete and utter joy in life.  =)  Their resilience.  =)  Their love of a good argument.  =)  Senses of humour.  =)  For being able to see their own imperfections and therefore striving to be the best people they themselves can be.
 
-hug-
 
I love you.

And lo,
 
Though I swim with sharks in the great big sea,
I shall not forget those who were kind to me,
 
I forget those irrecoverable; they require a greater One's grace, not mine
I forget events past that have warped themselves beyond all memory, that bring no pleasure
(infidelity, scorn, love, disgrace, callous disregard)
May the joys of this day look forward and around
delighting in the pure and simple pleasure of friends.
 
May I be free from all immature souls who would use my distant past against me
thinking that I hold on still to those thorns
those who get angry on my behalf as if the shield and the sword are theirs to hold for this
and come to me expecting me to be grateful.
They investigate poorly.
 
All is gone; do not force your whims and fancies upon me again and resurrect events I have successfully dealt with in my own time.
 
The pain is not yours to hold; it was mine.  It was terrifying.  It was bad.  but now it is gone, and I wish to hear no more talk of it.  It will never be yours to hold; I forbid such pestilence.  Thus whatever your intentions are, whenever you take up my memories and are felled by their pain, I am the one who will have to rescue you from your stupidity.  In trying to help, you are a bother, and at worst, hurt me instead.  So leave it well alone.  The time for this matter has expired.  It belongs nowhere; its pieces are scattered to the air and the sea and the earth and the burning winds.
 
Trust in my ability to take care of myself in this aspect.  I have been doing so since I was 8 after all.  But don't take on this matter; I won't be able to handle your nonsense added to my own life.
 
Archive entries, as well denoted by their name, belong in the rusty past.  It is your privilege and your right to decide if those ideas that belonged therein still apply to me in the present.  In return it is my right to have a strong interest in that perception too.  Be well.  =)

Excuse me a moment while I make a small point here.
 
Housemates equals frequent physical proximity not equals to personal timeslaves.
 
It's a wonder that people who don't respect other people still manage to stay married.  Perhaps they bully their spouses and because of that awful line known as "honour, obey and cherish, till death do us part", as well as the surrounding culture on gender roles reinforcing that, the spouses think it's supposed to be always an unhappy exchange.
 
Much wonderments.

Lothlorien!  Lothlorien!

What's the point of listening talking apologizing when the next time I turn around you lose control again and are chiding me for the same -same- thing again that we've already talked about discussed about and (I thought) put to rest?
 
Such a waste of my time to do so.  And yet you demand that you be listened to, while not saying anything that remotely resembles any rational approach to what you want to talk about.
 
I begin to think you have no idea what you really want to talk about and are just talking because you want to feel heard and exert your miniscule influence.  *scornful look*.  Well I can humour you on that a little, no problem.  But stop using me as a fuzzy-headed plush octopus that you bash up when you're feeling down.  Because I'm actually putting some effort into those pseudo-discussions here so as to at the very least maintain your illusions that you are sounding rational which happens to be another one of your strange goals in talking to me anyway.  Or else you get hysterical and I'm just too tired to deal with a weepy feely irrational plus hysterical adult.
 
You lost my respect long ago and you don't even know it.
 
This is for a recalcitrant relative, in case some of you were wondering.

It is cold tonight. And I have slept for 7 out of the past 12 hours. With strange dreams. But life is good. Lunch with Jax tomorrow.

On Monday I met Charles for the first time, saw XY and Eun again (yay!) and drank 2 large cups of very strong coffee. Charles is mad.

On Tuesday, after being so buzzed that I truly fell asleep only at 5 am, I was forcibly awakened at 8 to go down to our old house with my family and pack stuff. It felt like burying dead bodies.... a lot of stuff, you know their spirit is gone but the physical remains are still lying around doing who knows what. It helped that I had seen XY and Eun and Jnet just the day before and a whole lot of other dear ppl from that period of my life in the past week, when I was throwing all those stuff. As in we all know who we are now and it's not useful to cling to old physical remains of sec sch and JC.

But the notes from JC ppl I haven't seen for a long time, I still kept. Perhaps I will have the heart to throw them (the notes) one day when they no longer mean anything to me. But for now, no.

In other news, we spot-launch a joke on the word "oxymoron".

A: Blah blah blah .... oxymoron.... blah blah.

B: What?! Did you just call me a stupid cow, you stupid cow?!!


A: ....

B: How dare you! You stupid cow!

A: (thinks Never mind, you stupid cow) Hey I gotta go, see ya another day.

------

It is bitterly funny.

It's a chill and early Sunday morning. Just finished talking with KD yet again. His capacity for information is really not that high, is it? =)

This blog is not going anywhere in the discernible future, esp since my dad has found it and is generally reacting, ummm, badly, to the idea of an online diary.

Think he considers it an oxymoron. I have too much else going on now in real life to fight with him over this so as to 'reclaim my territory'. *smile* So will not be blogging in the same manner as I was before, for some time.

I am, however, always accessible by phone and SMS (preferred). Or email, but can't check that regularly. did i mention my overreactive dad? =) Yeah. Have a good day, people.

Somewhere in the little profile I give on the sidebar over here, and this profile has remained fairly constant since I set up this blog months ago, is this bit.

"I respect your right to your social conventions and dislike ppl who attempt to force their worldview on other ppl without giving freedom of reply."

Apparently this is unintelligible to some ppl who know me. Four in a week, to be more specific.

Basically it means that you can be weird on me. And that my preferred method of being weird on you simply means that when I talk to you and you reply to tell me in detail about one of your problems or something incomprehensible that you've seen recently, that constitutes a two-way exchange that cannot be cut off abruptly.

Because I'm being polite to you and/or I really care for you, thus by giving me your problem I will offer a possible solution/alternative view/pats of sympathy/insert as appropriate. Something substantial enough to be seen as not feng1 liang2 hua4. In other words, not two-liners. Degree of substance depends on how severe I think the situation is.

Or else -if- I happen to know you well enough to pick up your conversational cues, I might know that you are just ranting and thus we would leave off the topic entirely to let a solution offer itself up to you in its own time. But there is seldom any trouble with the people I know well enough.

The four ppl mentioned above fall into the following category - I ask them generally how they are, they tell me in some detail about a problem or situation they have (yes I can tell the difference between present tense and past tense for a problem), I reply carefully with some thoughts ideas, and they never talk to me again. Zip, no reply.

In a few words, it leaves me hanging, you know?

Now I wonder if I have mortally offended them or something. It is hard to tell, and even harder to ask in case I get accused of being oversensitive (and maybe justifiably so according to the -unknown- life context of these four ppl). You never know with kids these days.

I don't understand their behaviour, any ideas? Wild, not so wild?

They're just using me? But they're so inept at it. And that doesn't reconcile with their other friendly behaviour too. Oh this drives me nuts. I don't know whether to dump them as manipulative idiots. There is a limit to my tolerance for other ppl's stupidity (if indeed they are being only stupid) and this weird pattern of behaviour would be it.

Thanks. =)

In other news, I have been looking for volunteer work to further my future career. Doubt that I will stay in Bio research - long story for another day.

No, no more spikes, please.

Yesterday was a long day. Today too, went to sch to have lunch with WS and C. Hadn't seen WS since February, had nice long chat broken up into two segments...